I’m not sure, in a chicken or the egg way, of what’s causing what here. Realistically I think it is more correlation than causation, but I’m noticing my depression hits harder, since I got in to a relationship.
I’m not depressed because of the relationship, or what’s happening in the relationship. I think the level of depression I have at times has always been there, it’s just the way I deal with it has chanced.
In the past, when I knew things were not going well, I could switch off from the world, go in to my own little existence somewhere with in the vast deserts of my brain, and just chill out. When I would awake from this adventure into the void, I could bring myself out to the world again. If anyone asked where I had been, I could just say I had been busy, and they would shrug off ever questioning my time, location, or lack of fashion sense.
But now I see someone every day, things have changed. While they understand me, and what goes on in my head, there is still the pressure from me to put on the happy face, and it’s draining.
I know I don’t have to do it, but it’s that preprogrammed sense we all have, to make others around us feel better. It takes a lot of effort for someone with my mindset to do that, and the cracks are showing.
Maybe I should use this to get some medical help, but they just want to throw pills at you, because real medicine in our society just sees physical ailments as needing medical attention. Mental issues are either in the too hard basket, or “we can’t deal with this, put you in a home” basket.
No, I think I need to self medicate more. I need to have a bit more “me” time, and do some of the things I know work well enough to keep my balance. Maybe I can’t do them as much as I use to do, but then again, maybe I was over compensating. I guess it all comes down to finding that middle ground, to keep myself happy content, keep others happy, and have enough time to go around for all concerned in my life.
Of course one day where my brain wasn’t going at a thousand miles an hour would be good too.
There’s a black cloud in my rainbow
He’s (not) so special
Tomorrow my eldest son turns 15. Yep, he certainly is growing up fast, and any other cliché you can think of. And oh how special he is, how lucky he is, how amazing it is he is born on December 25.
Now I can understand if you’re one of those people who believe in imaginary friends, who around 2,000 years ago got hammered in a really bad way to a bit of furniture, and planted into the ground like a hills hoist, all to show you how to pick up SBS better on your telly, might think this is an amazing thing…, but it’s not.
Here is the joy of reason, and there is nothing mystical about it. There is a 1 in 365 chance of being born on December 25, just as there is a 1 in 365 chance of being born on any other day, except February 29, for which there is a 1 in 1461 chance.
To show how even more not very special my son is, he currently shares the birthday with around 19,178,082 other people on this earth, give or take a few. If you were to really break down the data, then I think the number for December 25 may be a little bit higher, because those people I mentioned earlier try to have their kids born on December 25, in the hope it moves them up a spot or two in the great big buffet queue in the sky.
So you see all you people out there, that go all drop jaw with awe and excitement, when you hear about my first born being born on December 25, well get over it, he is nothing special…,
…but he is very special to me. I love you Adrian, and I hope your birthday is as good as it can get, when everyone else is more interested in giving to themselves, instead of enjoying your birthday. I love you, and always will, and I love having you as part of my life. Happy birthday.
Should I be an iSheeple?
I’ve been the owner of an iPad for a few months now, but every time I use it in public, there is a problem. People go all glassy eyed, look at me with a Children Of The Corn stare and ask “Ohh, should I get one of those, is it good?”
It’s like some kind of first world Cargo Cult has formed around the iPad. People who see one think they need to get one, simply for the sake of having one, because it must be good if other people have one. Naturally because I have one, I must therefore be an expert on the device, and some kind of advanced being. This power, and though the joy that is unicorn rainbow farts, I can let them know if the iPad is right for them or not.
Yesterday I was asked by someone if they should get an iPad for their two year old daughter. They were taken aback when I asked the very simple, one word, typical two year old question of “Why?” They were stumped as to why I would ask that, in the typical fashion of what I described above. So I put it to them more simply; “Let me ask you this. What would your two year old do if you just gave them $6,00 to $1,000 in cash? Is that an investment you see as worthwhile?”
Their reply I found a little strange. “Oh she likes playing with my iPhone, so I figure an iPad would stop her from playing with that.”
After more discussion, I managed to talk him down to a second hand iPod Touch, and then to just making one out of duplo, be cause let’s face it, a two year old, will play with anything it can get it’s hands on. An iPad is not going to turn your kid into iStein.
Yeah, ok, I thought of the iStein joke on the fly. It’s bad, and yes, it should have been Einstein, but hey, sometimes you just have to go with it and see.
Getting back to the subject at hand, I didn’t just jump out and buy an iPad because it was the latest and greatest thing on the market, or because I ever wanted to think that by sleeping with it, it would be like sleeping with Steve Jobs. [Edit: Delete this joke, the iStein one didn’t work, I’m not going to go with the Steve Jobs one. Email me if your really want to know it] I bought one when I could justify the need to have one. My laptop was getting a bit too old to cart around everywhere, and the weight of it was just too much. My iPhone was a bit too small to do some of the work I needed to do. The cost of buying an iPad, outweighed the cost of not having one. Since buying it, and getting over the shiny/new phase, I’ve found I have a lot more use for it, as it gives me the chance to write stuff on the fly, with out having to wait for the laptop to fire up. It’s a thing of convenience for me, that has made things easier for me, given I don’t live 9-5 hours, I’m rarely home, and don’t have an office to bludge in each day.
At the end of the day, if you want to buy an iPad, go for it, but don’t blame me if it’s not right for you. Just because I have one, it doesn’t make me an expert on your needs, or the device. You can ask a salesperson and they will tell you you need one. You can ask your kids, and they will tell you they want one. You can ask an Apple Lover and they will wonder why you don’t have one yet. But the only person you should be asking is yourself, cause I’m sick of hearing your question.
I Hope You Had The Time Of Your [Copyright Infringement]
Yesterday marked eight years since my marriage ended. After coming home from a long day at work, I was confronted with an empty house, apart from the fridge, the washing machine, and the large pile of clothes on the laundry floor, very few of which were mine.
So I did the only rational thing I could do, I washed the clothes, dried the clothes, folded the clothes, and basically spent the night wondering where to next. After all, this was all a bit of a shock, mind you in hindsight, I should have known something was wrong. Two days previously, my birthday was ignored in every way possible, not that I celebrate them at all, but that’s another story.
The next day, I headed off to work, and when I returned home that night, the fridge, washing machine, and all the clothes were also gone. Mmmm, this was starting to get serious.
To cut a long story short, the marriage was over, and never since then has it looked like getting to a point of amicable discussion. In fact, the ex has only spoken to me on three occasions since then, if you can call being sworn at speaking.
While I am happy the marriage is over, it still bites every year, because it also marks the point where lots of changes started to happen in my life. I try to keep things low key, but I still get stressed out by it all, because I am reminded of those times. No amount of trying to avoid it, or put myself in a happy place, something always crops up.
It also remains this way until after Christmas. I’m constantly doing that fine balancing trick, between worthwhile member of society, and someone talking to be though a megaphone, telling me to put the gun down, come down off the building, and let’s let you have a nice rest in a nice place with padded walls.
You see, I’ve been alone now for many years, with no family contact. It’s not because they have died or anything nice like that, we just don’t have anything to do with each other, their choice. But from mid October, all the stores look to flog off as much Christmas crap as possible, for maximum profit to spread good will to you, and your family. That’s the bit that gets to me. The constant reference to spending time with your family, be happy with your family, show your family how much you love them. It’s all bullshit. If you really cared, you would do all of this all year round. To compound the problem for me, my eldest child was born on December 25, so it’s a fairly emotional time of year anyway.
So why am I sharing all this with you all? Well to be honest, I really don’t know, I just wanted to get it off my chest. I guess it also serves as a product warning, that if I do something you find really shitty in the next few months, or if you think I’m being a really nasty bitch, you now know why.
Thankfully this year though, I have someone special in my life, someone to share it with. I just hope I don’t stress them out too much, with my “Which Personality Is It This Hour” thing. I really am trying, really I am, it’s just a bit to much pressure at times.
North Of The Border
So I’m in Sydney for a few days. It’s a little strange being here, and I kind of thought things might work out this way, and it did. About 200km out of the greater metropolitan area, I was reminded of the last time I was in Sydney, just after Paige had taken her own life.
In the months leading up to that event, I had been in Sydney a few times, either rushing up because she was in Hospital, or I was delivering her car up to Sydney, or just because we were spending time together as friends.
But that last trip up was a very emotional time. I wont go into details, because I don’t want to drag up the past. All I will say is, in hindsight, the trip was a total waste of time, but in a way I’m glad I made it, because it did give me some amount of closure.
This time though, heading up the road, I was going for happy reasons, to a place I didn’t see the need in ever visiting again, so I kept going on. Sure, it’s a really emotional time being here, for example, I see the harbor and remember the last time I was out there, but I am glad to be here.
Sydney is a place I will never call home. The way this place runs doesn’t suit the cut of my jib, or my tastes in decency. No amount of money could have me live here (Well maybe if the deal included a cute puppy I might think about it), but I’m not going to rule out ever coming here again, as I sort of had done.
At the end of the day, I have a pain in my heart being here, but why should I begrudge an entire city for that? It just shows the love and respect I have for Paige, and that her memory will always live on for me.
Mama mia, let me go Beelzebub!
The last month and a half has seen a bit of a change in direction for my life. A change I never ruled out, but never went looking for, it just happened.
Over the weekend though, for the first time in the last six weeks, I was feeling a little uneasy. Not out of fear, but I think more a realisation that it was actually happening, and the joyous dream I had been living was also happening in real life. The thing that pinched me was Daylesford.
Ok, I’ll back up a little here. I’m currently dating another woman, which I guess makes me a lesbian, but I’m not sure that label fits really. Not that there is anything wrong with that (tick), I rather see myself as being in love. It just happens to be that the person I am in love with, happens to be the same gender as me. We have joked that this puts me on my lesbian L plates, and as such there is a lot I have to learn about dating a woman. I have to admit I am keen to learn, and she is a good teacher. We have joked around that in order for me to get off my L plates, and on to my P plates, there are quite a few boxes I have to tick, euphemism and otherwise.
So far the list has included listening to an Indigo Girls album, making use of a wok, holding hands in public, kissing in public, calling her my girlfriend, and watching A Room In Rome. One thing we hadn’t done yet was to go to Daylesford, or as she called it DayLESford, for a day out in the country.
When we got there, the first parking spot we found faced a store called Can’t Think Straight, which had a nice big rainbow flag above the door. Nothing against the shop, but I think that’s when it really hit that I wasn’t just dating a wonderful girl, but I was entering in to a bit of a new world. A world I knew of, was comfortable with and had had a lot of interaction with through my life, but now I was IN the world. I have to admit I was a little bit freaked out, but that may have had something to do with having motion sickness, and having just screamed out the lyrics to Bohemian Rhapsody before hitting the town limits.
Thinking about this all now, I’m not ashamed at all, and nor should I feel ashamed. Well actually I guess I feel a little ashamed that I felt the way I did at the time. Maybe it was because I had been joking about pandering to stereotypes, and here I was doing them. I really don’t know, and I don’t care either. I’m happy, the girl’s happy, and woe betide anyone who stops us.
These boots were made for walking.
Ok, so the story goes I needed shoes. You see, I was wearing a pair of high heels, and they were not suitable for the task at hand, but alas, I did not have a pair of runners on me. Thankfully there was a chain store nearby, where I knew I could get runners for under $15. But there was a problem. Being someone who has normal sized feet, the 11 or so tiny feet sizes they make limit my range of runner selection. To add to this problem, I was faced with a sort of T model Ford situation, where I could have said runners in any colour I like, as long as they were white.
Now I have nothing against white shoes, but I’m no used car salesman, so they could get me out of the bind I was in, but that’s it. Then I hit on a brainwave.
A friend of mine has a young daughter, who is very much creative. So I thought, if she had no homework from school that night, can I give her the homework of colouring in my shoes? The job brief was simple, do anything at all to the shoes, and don’t worry if you make a mistake, because there is no mistakes you can make.
Well she got to do one shoe, and when her dad saw the fun she was having, it then became a family exercise. So without further ado, here is the finished shoes, which I shall wear with pride.
Sunday light.
Time for some easy reading on a Sunday.
Homoeopathy, it doesn’t work.
That’s all you need to know.
Yep, I can sum up the entire snake oil industry that is homoeopathy in four short words. So don’t bother spamming my email box with your pseudo-science claims of qauntum physics, vibrational thingamebobs, mystical powers. It’s all a crock of shit.
If you believe in homoeopathy, then you may as well be using this stuff:
If the woo woo really worked, then the people who make it would happily subject it to the same scientific testing and scrutiny as all real medications.
Homoeopathy is nothing more than a placebo, if that. If you want to take a Placebo, I suggest this one:
It will cost you less, be better for you, is enjoyable, and will see you at the bitter end.
This is what I want to see out the front of Pharmacies across the world:
That way, I know I will be sold actual medication, if I go there with an ailment. Pharmacies are required already by law to do that, but many put the almighty dollar ahead of health. If I saw a sticker like this, that Pharmacy would get my business.
Right, I’m off to go work for the day, so that will do for this Sunday Session. If you want, I would be willing to write more, but you know, when it comes to this medical stuff, some people just think the only real things are fantasy, and you may as well be blowing air up a frog’s arse than try to talk reason to them. Even when they contradict themselves and can see they have done it, they ignore that as not important, and put up another strawman argument. Now I’m not saying the “big pharma” companies that are out there have all the answers. Not everything can be fixed with a pill, but seriously, if you want to throw your money away on useless crap, give it to me instead. I’ll happily spend it on something that benefits not only me, but others. You know, things like food parcels for the starving, or shelter for the homeless. Heck, I might even buy them some mega doses of homoeopathy, but it wouldn’t be called that, it would be called this:
Capril and the black dog.
Capril is fast approaching, so I thought I would talk a bit about depression…, from a personal view.
For about the last year, I have been in a real depression slump. A fair bit had happened in that time, which I wont go into, needless to say, it was stuff worth being depressed about. But in about the last month, I have noticed a change for the better. It wasn’t something that happened over night, but I just seem to be coping better right now. Of course it could all fall in a heap at some point, but for now, I have a nice even plain on which to work.
During the last month, I have noticed a change for the better in my eating habits, which is having results. Early days but the results so far are going well. I find that I am sleeping better. Not so much more hours, but a better quality of sleep. Little things are not getting to me as much, and they are not bottling up either. I’m able to deal with things in a more realistic way. It’s all baby steps at the moment, but it’s a good place to be.
Then there is something else that has helped me, and that’s music. Now I’ll be the first to admit that I am a crap musician, but I am enjoying it more for the relaxation it gives me, rather than trying to write a number one hit. My singing too is of the level where cats microwave themselves to get away from it, but I at least know my limitations, so try to avoid singing where possible.
Tonight however, I did sing, and sing publicly, while also playing an instrument. Not only once, but three times.
So far with my song writing, I have been having friends publicly perform the songs. Through their skill and craftsmanship, a couple of the songs have gotten to a decent standard. But tonight, I did two songs that have not publicly been performed before by anyone. Not only did I write these, I worked out the notes and chord changes, then played as I sang. Not bad for someone who has never had a music lesson I don’t think. Best of all, the crowd enjoyed my efforts.
As I said before, I know my limitations, but regardless of those, I had fun, and others had fun, and I was proud of my work. Writing songs is a hard thing to do, but through a bit of effort, I had achieved something, three times. Despite some nerves at performing, at least when it was all over, the depression didn’t hit. I wasn’t self critical to the point of self destruction. I just enjoyed the moment.
So will I do it again? Maybe, not in the foreseeable future. I want to work more on my writing, and playing. I have a lot more songs, but can’t actually play what I have written. I know they work, because others have played them, but it would be nice to be able to play my own stuff.
Now go off and have a look at Capril and get involved.
I now pronounce you (insert pronouns here)
Well it has been a while since there was any postings here, so why not start with a biggie, Gay Marriage.
This has been prompted by a recent post on a friend’s blog, which has stirred up a lot of strong view points. The main basis there is that it is not allowed in the eyes of god, according to Christian beliefs. Ok, I have really shortened the explanation there, but only because I know this is going to be a very long post.
The way I see it, there are two issues here. Why should same sex people be allowed to marry, and the second being religions being against it on various grounds.
So let’s look at the first. As it currently stands, people who are in a same sex relationship do not have the same rights as heterosexual people. While there has been some changes to laws, it hasn’t gone far enough. People in a same sex relationship do not have the same rights concerning medical treatment of their spouse, the superannuation laws when a partner dies are different, and a few other minor laws here and there. Basically if you are the partner of someone, legally you are not treated as the partner, nor as the next of kin. It simply means you do not have the same rights as someone else, because of who your relationship is with.
So what does this have to do with same sex marriage, often called Gay Marriage. Well these days, and has been the case for a very long time now, a marriage is a legally binding agreement, which in layman’s terms means two people are considered one entity by the laws of the country. By denying Gay marriage, people are not allowed to legally be considered a single entity in the laws of the country. It is that simple.
Now I know what you are saying, but if Gays can marry, then they can adopt children, and that wouldn’t be a fitting environment to be in. Well that to me is a whole other issue, but here are a few bullet points on the matter:
- Children are better off having two parents, regardless of gender
- Children of heterosexual families have just as many issues as those from same sex relationships
- Having Gay parents doesn’t cause a child to become Gay themselves, but they would be more tolerant of differences in other people.
- Every Gay child has been created by a heterosexual couple, either directly, or through a test tube.
So let’s leave aside the whole adoption thing for a while, because not every Gay Marriage will result in an adoption.
Now there is the issue of religion, and religious beliefs.
I think Father Bob summed it up the best. “I’m not anti Gay marriage, the church doesn’t allow me to perform them.” That to me is the right of any church to not perform a Gay marriage, if they so choose to. After all, a marriage is a legally binding situation, and there are many more ways to get married that don’t involve a church or religion.
Now some religious people argue that god’s law doesn’t allow it. Well unfortunately for them, we don’t live in a religious rule country, we live in a secular country, where there is separation of church and state as stated in the Australian Constitution, section 116. Now anyone who wants to be against Gay marriage on the grounds of their religion is ok with me, they have that right. But because they choose to live by a set of principles, doesn’t mean they should impose those principles on others. Sure they can complain that their principles and rights are being denied, while other principles and rights are forced on them, but they are not being forced. No one is saying they have to get married to a same sex orientated person. So of two other people want to get married, why not let them? After all, there use to be a time that churches didn’t allow interracial marriages, but those times have certainly changed. Just because you don’t agree with something, or are against something, doesn’t make your view point right. Gay marriage wont affect me in the slightest way, as I have no intention of marrying someone of the same gender, why does the same not apply to religious people. After all, if we all had the right to stop anything we don’t like, based on the grounds of religious beliefs, the world wouldn’t function.
So I think at the end of the day, it’s all pretty simple. If you want to marry someone, then why should you be stopped doing it. If you want to get married in a church, well it is up to those people who run that church to allow or disallow any wedding they want to. After all, if two people want to spend the rest of their lives together, because they love each other that much, who are we to stop them? Making Gay marriage law wont cause a sudden flood as every same sex couple rushes to get married, as marriage isn’t for everyone. But at least it is a step closer to people being treated as equals in our society, and where is the harm in that?
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