I recently signed up as a member of Costco. Yes, start all your booing and hissing now, but I would like to point out, they are very close to where I live, and actually have some products that fit into my fickle dietary requirements quite well. But regardless of that, I’m still allowed to put all four hooves up on a soapbox and moo loudly.

As anyone who is a regular watcher of the ABC will know, there is a thing called the Gruen Transfer, from which a teleision show gets it’s title. I wont go into the details here, because it’s quicker for you to click on the link, than it is for me to type a heap out about it. Damn, I better go put a link in there now…, all better.

Moving on, or at least I would like to, but the standard clientèle of Costco wont allow me, and I’m not even in the store yet. The issues start even before you get into the carpark, because people are bamboozled by the choice between “Take Ticket, Pay Later” or “Insert Credit Card now, Insert Credit Card Later”. How it can take each person three minutes to decide between these two options I will never know. It’s not like they are being asked ” Would you like us to set fire to your kids now, or after we have set fire to you?”

Then there is the shopping trolleys. With Costco being an American store, even the trolleys are supersized. It makes the standard Australian shopping trolley look like one of those hand basket with wheels that are starting to plague Big W and Kmart of late. Given the average Costco shopper has never seen a trolley this big, they suddenly think they are driving a Toorak Tractor (Yes, I’ve linked that one for you all) and therefore can drive the trolley anyway they like, park it anyway they like, and they have the right to not give a flying fox if they are in the way of anyone else. Well a big fat heads up to you tools…, ALL THE TROLLEYS ARE THE SAME SIZE!!!!!!!!!!!!! (note I didn’t do the “!!1!!111!!one!!” joke in the over use of exclamation marks, because I am a mature cow.)

I say to these people, use the same rule as I use when you are in a car; “If you can’t park it, don’t drive it”. Plain and simple, and the whole thing will work out a lot better. So when someone says “excuse me” don’t stare at them blankly, like they are about to offer you a free sample, MOVE OUT OF THE WAY!

Speaking of free samples, they are a sample people. Not a fifteen course buffet lunch! I tend to go to Costco during the middle of the day, because I work odd hours, and have no social life. Oh, and also I hate weekend crowds, because that’s just what I have described above (and will do below) amplified. But during the day, you get bus loads I’m sure of nursing home inmates, or even just the card carry member variety of senior citizen, who think they are a seagull, and Costco is the biggest hot chip in the world. Samples are meant to be something you get on the fly, not hang around clogging up the aisles waiting for the next batch of offerings. Not everyone wants to try out “Johnny Cock Block’s Secret Caribbean Sauce, fresh from the seas of South Dakota”.

My last gripe is at the check out. People, you have just spent 15 hours going around the store, filling your belly with Cock sauce, blocking up the aisles with your inabilities, and trying to decide if you want to park your car or stare at the flashing lights. Now is not the time to decide you would like to buy the “Turn your little brat into an NBA basketball superstar starter kit for $799”, and decide to go get it. Once you have got to the check out, you have effectively left the store in my book. Even if it’s the cheap chokito’s or latest tabloid wankfest about new Princess Di weight loss claims from beyond the grave, TOO BAD! Get your stuff, and get out of the way of everyone else. You’ve had your go, so get going.

My final word about Costco is about their chopped onions. Seriously, these things are good, and you get them by turning a little wheel. It’s an endless supply of joy for the world. But there are only so many you can fit on your hot dog. So my suggestion is simple. Get the hot dog and soft drink deal they have, but instead of using the cup for soft drink, fill it with onions. Seriously, you may be thirsty, but you’re going to have enough onions to get you though the day.

That’s always a good thing, because it’s going to take you all day just to get out of the car park.