Recently I had a friend pass away. She was more than a friend, she was my family. We never kept a diary of when the next Sunday roast would happen, sometimes it would be hours between seeing each other, sometimes many months. Regardless, I loved her, and would have been happy to spend the rest of my life with her, but as “relationship” these days means “sex” to the dim witted masses out there, that obviously would never have happened.

Her problem was, she cared too much for other people, and not enough for herself, and people took advantage of that, because it made things easier for them. Never once did people take a moment to think of the cost their inactions and greed placed on her. Sure she had issues in her life, we all have issues, and she dealt with those issues, and made a better person out of herself from it. But still the ball and chain of life was dragged behind her, and it picked up a lot of debris along the way.

I could see this happening, it was basically my life too. Maybe that was the attraction, someone I could see eye to eye with, who didn’t judge, just accepted, and was happy to chip in with anything she could offer, and not expect anything in return.

Reading that previous paragraph, I can see the irony with the one before it, but I can’t change it, she was just too kind.

It’s been nearly four months since she passed away, and it really hurts still. I use to love when we caught up, and could just listen to her talk for hours, as she had such a great knowledge. While I was in awe of her greatness, she once confided in me she wish she had my strength to just keep going, that I kept her going and she was in awe of my greatness. We decided to just accept our mutual appreciation society and not get hung up on how great the other person was. We smiled.

I can’t let go. It is as simple as that, I can’t let go of her yet. Her life affected me in so many ways, so few of which I realised at the time, but now all I see are constant reminders. It’s like I am being tormented for some obscure reason, like my subconscious is telling me I have to move on, but there is nothing to move onto. It all seems so irrational and is so frustrating. I just never want to let go, simply so others can know just how great a person she was, and always will be to me and so many others. I still talk to her. Still ask her opinion. She answers every time.

This is all part of the grieving process I know, it’s a process that will never end for me. I just want to give her a hug and let her know it will be ok. To let her know that everything I did in the last few months of her life was worth it, and I would do it all again, time and time again. Just to reassure her she wasn’t putting me out at all, I wanted to be there for her, to support her, to love her. Just so she knew there was someone there for her. I’m sure she knew it already, every time she thanked me for doing anything for her, she was also questioning why someone would do anything for her. Even if I was just getting her a coffee, it filled me with a life experience.

She is still the number one priority number on my phone. Her facebook listing is always open. I carry her photos with me everywhere I go. Thanks to the tattoo on my arm, it is impossible for me to ever forget her name.

All of those things are meaningless, and I would give up the world, just for one more chance to see her smile.

le grá go deo