140 Character To A Block.

An open letter to @mrtonymartin.

Dear Tony,
Over the years, you and I have shared a lot of things in common. We’ve both been annoyed by incorrect aspect ratio, laughed at obscure things, and been sacked by Triple M, just to name a few. I’ve watched all your television shows with keen interest, watched Bad Eggs at the cinema, and purchased it not once, but a second time after the little lugs that hold the booklet in the DVD case broke off. Sure the second time I bought it, it was cheaper to buy the DVD than it was to buy a replacement case, but I still did it. I’ve read both your books, and recommended them to many people. I’ve listened to all your radio shows, and tracked down the podcast of any appearances you have done on shows right through out the country. In other words, I’m a fan.

But I don’t follow you on twitter…, because you blocked me.

Now this happened about a week ago, after a late night tweet from you, which a few people found offensive, but to my knowledge, I was the only one to reply to you voicing a concern. I didn’t get offensive in any way, I merely pointed out that as a comedian of your standing, as someone people look up to (if you like it or not, it’s the price of fame) , your tweet was offensive.

I’m sure you remember the tweet, it was in regards to a recent Australian television show, which had had male and female versions made. So as a comedy tweet, you decided to fire off a cheap shot.

The problem was, the tweet was offensive to a minority group of the community, that daily faces discrimination, violence, offensive remarks, and are treated as second class citizens, simply because they are who they are. What your tweet did, was normalise, for people who follow you on twitter, treating a minority with disrespect.

In short, it wasn’t what was said, but the ramifications of what was said. My reply to you on twitter, was merely pointing out you had been offensive, and that it would be nice if you were not offensive.

Now don’t get me wrong, I like a good joke, but what you wrote wasn’t even close to a good joke. It was the kind of thing a bigot would say to other bigots while half drunk, and trying to impress someone not worth impressing.

It was an error, not a big one, but an error none the less, and I just mentioned it as such. For this, you blocked me. I can understand that you would get a lot of people who for some reason or another don’t like you, but I do like you, I am a fan.

So here is the deal I’m offering. How about you unblock me so I can keep following you, and we leave it at that. If not, well, so be it. At the end of the day, you were at least informed about being offensive, and hopefully it won’t happen again. If not, well hopefully others who read the tweets realised that what they might have thought was ok, was nothing but belittling and offensive.

I look forward to following you again.

I’m an imbecile, so you must know.

This one was a bit too long to tweet, so I’m writing it here.

At work today, I was typing out an email on my pad of eye, when a college interrupted me, with the following line. “You know this technology shit, how does that Facebook thing work”
I looked at him blanky, and said “Don’t know really, not a fan of it.”
“Bullshit, your fingering that thing (points at pad eye) so you know”*
“No, I’m sending an email, I’m not using Facebook.”

He grunted and walked off in a huff, because I was apparently bullshiting him, and not answering his questions, all because I’m supposedly some technology wizard, based on my use of a tablet device, therefore I should know about the one crappy thing he is interested in.

Next time I see him eating a sandwich, I’m going to asking how to make Muenster Cheese Soufflé with Red Bell Pepper and Tomato Salad.

*Note, I know I have used the wrong word in this statement, it should be “you’re” not “your”, but I could tell that even through his vocal use of the language, he had gotten it wrong.

Absence (from the body) makes the heart stop beating.

Well the cows are back in the paddock. But why the delay I hear you all ask?

Well it’s like this. When we set up this blog, we decided it was not going to be a personal blog. A few of the cows got in trouble for that a while back, when personal opinion was believed to be more than that, and jokes were seen as a threat and instability of mind. What was worse was when people read through, to cut out the words they wanted to use, create a sentence out of that, and then try to say that is what we are saying. Regardless of if you could or could not make sense of that sentence, you know either way it is ridiculous.

So what of this blog? Well we could blur the lines and make it a bit more personal, and as such do more postings, things like:

My new kitten, isn’t it cute!

Funny footnote that is not at the bottom: When searching for a cute kitten, we typed in “Beiber Cat”, and this showed up. Why did we type “Beiber Cat”, well, the joke was going in a different direction, but wasn’t going to work, so we just went with cute instead.

But really, do we want our readers knowing more about our personal life? No is the answer. For those of you who know the cows, our presence on facebook, and twitter, should be enough. After all, for those who know us, there is no secret as to who is behind A Green Cow, but for those who don’t, well we like to keep it that way. It’s a fine balancing act on a wire fence, try doing that with hooves.

Really, this blog isn’t a blog, but a depository of insights, jokes, and rants. Keeping a certain level of anonymity we think helps the creative process, as there is no shame in recourse through comments. They are not a personal attack, but just another expression.

So as the year ends out, what becomes of the next year? Who knows really, we don’t know when the next post will happen, or if it will happen, or even what it is about. After all, inspiration can not be forced.

The All New NEWfm

With reports MTR now have less listeners than are allowed in a standard taxi, I am sure it wont be too long until there will be a radio station licence on the market. Well the cows have gotten together, and we have decided to buy that licence. Now things are still to be finalised, but we thought you should get a sneak peek at how the line up will be:

6-9 Weekdays:

Breakfast with Ed Kavalee

It’s the most visual show on radio, as Ed spends three hours eating his way though enough food to feed the starving in Pakistan. Every 15 minutes we give you traffic reports for all the fast food drive thoughs across Melbourne. Don’t forget to play the secret sound, where if you can correctly guess what kind of packet Ed is opening next, you win a Flavio bag full of prizes.

From 9am:

It’s the classic Nine at 9 with your host Tony Martin.

Each day, Tony talks endlessly about 9 films of his choice. Guess the correct aspect ration, and you could win a china hutch.

11am – 1pm:

It’s the return of Get This.

It took a lot of work to get Tony and Ed back together, but we finally whittled it down to them having to play only 2 Nickelback songs an hour, so they have agreed to do the show. Of course Get This will greatly miss the services of Richard Marsland, but thanks to the Charlene 5000, we have loaded in every word Richard ever said on air (and a lot of off air content too), so now he can give us Veal Gardens updates at any moment.

1pm – 4pm:

It’s Greg Fleet with “Puns, Pants and Please can I borrow $20?”

Yes the Fleety will be crunking it up for your afternoons, if he makes it into the studio on time. Given how late Get This will be running, we doubt it will be an issue if Fleety doesn’t turn up for Monday’s show at some ungodly hour on Saturday.


It’s Andy and Hamish…,

from Patterson Lakes Primary School fm.

Yes we got the boys out of detention and into the studio. Let them laugh you all the way home with stories about how Red House forgot to put the bins out again. How the part of Bee in the school play is the best, and the riotous laughs of their serial “That’s a bit Gay!”

7pm – 8pm:

Gather the family around for another edition of “Oooh me plums!”

The children will love listening to another wireless fantasy, this week, it’s the Russian Ballet in “The dance of the ooh me plums fairy”.

8pm – Midnight:

Ok all you lovers and groovers out there, it’s time for:

“Alright, that’s good stuff” with Warrick Capper.

Don’t forget, if you want Warrick to broadcast live from your home, he will do it, in your garage, not on grass for $3,000.

From Midnight – 6am:

We haven’t forgotten our graveyard shift listeners. That’s why we have created a special show just for you:

“Stoners and Loners”

Call up and talk about anything you like, even if you have no idea what it is about. Want to tell us that Gotye is Silverchair. Want to ask how you like your eggs. Want to just cry about how little baby Suri is not on the cover of Woman’s Day any more, well this is your show.

So there’s the line up folks, we look forward to having you tune your radios in soon…, or we’ll drag you behind a ute through a knife factory.

Last night on Twitter

Things got a little bit crazy last night over at Twitter, with the trending of Inadequate Movies.

Basically you take a movie title, and make it less appealing. Once I got started, I found it hard to stop. So for those of you who were unable to keep up with the action, or don’t have Twitter, is is the list of my contributions to the cause.

  1. Star Tiffs.
  2. The Constitutional Monarchy Strikes Back.
  3. Oh look, the Jedi have shown up again.
  4. The Good, the Bad, and the Slightly Wrinkled.
  5. George of the Indoor Plant shop.
  6. Slightly increased traffic flow Hour.
  7. Charlie and the Carob Shop.
  8. Priscilla, duchess of the sandbox.
  9. Schindler’s Post-it note.
  10. The Dot Matrix.
  11. Permanent Resident Kane.
  12. A Clockwork Mandarin.
  13. To Ruffle The Feathers Of A Mockingbird.
  14. Hummin’ In The Drizzle.
  15. The Maltese Sparrow.
  16. Mr Smith Goes to Wash His Hands.
  17. Dial M for Maybe.
  18. Dragon training for Dummies.
  19. Planet of the wind up monkeys.
  20. Nemo. Polo!
  21. 1 Dalmatian.
  22. Ben Stiller in Petting Farmlander.
  23. There’s The Bus Stop Miss Daisy.
  24. One Casually Glanced In The Direction Of The Cuckoo’s Nest.
  25. The Hitch-hikers Guide to The Bathroom.
  26. The Great Sit Down and Wait Until The War Is Over.
  27. Snakes On A Paper Plane.
  28. Four Registry Office Nuptials, and a Sleep Apnoea.
  29. Wii Bowling for Columbine.

Out of that entire list, only “Schindler’s Post-It Note” and “The Dot Matrix” got retweeted. Personally “There’s The Bus Stop Miss Daisy” and “Wii Bowling For Columbine” were the show stoppers. Oh well, will have to try better next time.

A blue from the Bolt.

Over on Twitter, where you can find me @agreencow it has been a fun few hours today. Let us begin where it all began for me.

I received a retweeted tweet (if you are not up with the terms, don’t worry), saying to follow @andrewbolt, which is a fake account, because the real Andrew Bolt, Herald-Sun columnist and convicted defamer, was having a hissy fit about the Twitter account.  Naturally being the good little sheep I sometimes am, I followed.

Well it was laughs a minute reading the goings on. Being someone who enjoys putting my two cents worth in for a laugh, I joined in with the fun. Now to give you all a bit of a timeline, here are some of the tweets:

Liam Bantock was the first to kick off the silliness for me, with his fine tweet:

liam_b I just saw someone wearing an ABC shirt typing on their iPhone. I think they might be the fake @andrewbolt #boltgate

Which was retweeted (resent) by @andrewbolt. To which I decided to reply, as obviously now there were “sightings” of the person behind the twitter account. I wrote:

Vegetarian in a hemp t-shirt spotted in Brunswick Twittering on a public access computer. Obviously the fake @AndrewBolt

This was followed a few minutes later with a pop culture reference to one of the best films ever made:

John Cusack, Cameron Diaz and Ned Bellamy to star in new cult movie, Being Andrew Bolt. #BoltGate

I then tweeted about not enjoying the new place I had chosen for my lunch that day, as they were demanding to charge a different price to that which was advertised, but the place was new, so I gave them a break by not naming and shaming them. While I was waiting for my lunch to be cooked, I thought of a couple more Bolt related tweets I could do:

The truth is out there. @AndrewBolt is the real reason #GetThis was axed.


Google Earth image confirms it’s @AndrewBolt standing on grassy knoll in Dallas, 1963.

I figured Get Thisians enjoy this kind of humour, so why not cut them in on the deal, by linking in Get This with Andrew Bolt. After all, Get This listeners generally consider Guy Dobson to be a big prick for axing the show, and it is widely known that Andrew Bolt is considered a prick by many, for the views he expresses. Get This lovers would see the humorous connection between the two. I then took it to the ridiculous by claiming that not only was Andrew Bolt the much theorised second gunman involved in the assassination of the American president John F Kennedy, but the whole thing was captured as a Google Earth image. Talk about insane and impossible, but I got a giggle out of it, and I thought others would.

As I travelled home, I wondered if this whole thing might be a conspiracy, and the @andrewbolt, really was Andrew Bolt, and he was complaining about it to drum up a news story. I thought it would be funny if it was investigated and found out to be true, how much of a field day that would be for social media everywhere. Which was tweeted as such:

I’m going to love it if @andrewbolt is proven to be Andrew Bolt faking being Andrew Bolt as a way to try & boost his ego/profile. #BoltGate

Obviously with a 140 character limit, you can’t write too many details or much explanation.

So when I get home tonight, the first hour or so is filled with chatting on the net to people from my footy club, about my knee injury, new jumper designs, and upcoming dinner nights. Eventually I get around to checking my emails, and low and behold, I find that Andrew Bolt (the real one, not the Twitter one that is a fake one, but this time the real Andrew Bolt) is now following me on twitter.

Well Andrew, just to let you know, and so the rest of the world knows, I am not in any way @andrewbolt on twitter. For the record, I can’t remember the last time I purchased a copy of the Herald-Sun, in fact I think it would go back to when I became too old to be a Sunbeamer. I have long held the view that the Herald-Sun only gets two things right, the Comics and the page numbering, and quite often the page numbering is wrong. Just so it is known, I am also not a reader of the Age, as I find that to just be a larger print format of the Herald-Sun these days. I greatly limit my commercial news exposure, as there is a heavy bias towards views I do not agree with, and a clear choice to only “report” “news” that will ensure maximum readership/revenue. When it comes to your column, the few times I have chosen to read it I have found it to be extremely bias, outrageous in the views expressed, and one that leaves a clearly noticeable tingling sensation in the back of my mouth from the reflux it has caused.

So I would just like it to be known that I am nothing more than an occasional blogger, who likes to tweet the unusual thoughts that flow though my brain. I have no interest, nor the time to spend my time mocking you, when it is clear by the media exposure you get, you do a good enough job of that yourself, and good luck to you, as it is clearly earning you an income that suits your means. As an example of how little I know about you, it wasn’t until I read your bio that I knew you were on MTR (Massively Trashy Right wing) radio.

So good luck finding out who it is behind the @andrewbolt account, for they have made you out to be a tool, but your actions in trying to be some big knob head who thinks he can control the world just as Judge Roy Bean knew how too, well you are just proving what a tool you are.

A Cow Has Gone Down!

Yesterday saw a road trip up to Ballarat, for the cows to experience some exercise in cold wet windy conditions. Unfortunately one of the cows ended up in the back of an ambulance with a popped knee, and broken pride. As such, things will be a bit slow around here for some time, while we attend to her needs.

In the mean time, you might be interested in following A Green Cow on twitter. It’s where all the fun happens these days, with fantastic jokes, Get This references, and more bullshit than you can poke a stick at. So check us out at @agreencow

To get you in the mood, here is a small example of some of the tweeted gold that is @agreencow

  • #ItsTheWeekend Drop giant concrete balls into an oozing volcano in Indonesia! #GetThis
  • Breaking news: Police charge McDonalds employee with manslaughter. Then upgrade charge to murder for just $1 extra Friday: all jokes must go
  • Joan Rivers caught in sex scandal with Henry Rollins. Newspaper headline reads “Rollin on a Rivers”.
  • Why do people decide what they think an issue is, so they can provide a solution to their own problem instead of just listening to the issue?
  • Maybe to stop budgie smugglers, when they are caught, skin them, and turn them into swimming trucks. Gross/freaky but effective.
  • Free sex* for the first person who replies to this tweet. *may contain traces of @andyblume
  • Oh wow! I just found out that Miss Piggy was “born” the very same day as me.
  • They say there are many ways to skin a cat. Well I need help, as I only know 4 ways, 5 if I’m allowed to use lube.