And the curtain fell.

When I first got online back in the late 1990’s, I needed the Internet. Knowing that I wasn’t alone, knowing that information was out there, knowing I now had a resource to find things out was wonderful.
Over time though, and in a very small timeframe at that, the experience changed. Instead of it being a place where people would post about their life experiences, from which you could draw your own conclusions and ideas, it went to a place of attack.
The arseholes of the world. Yes, arseholes, not bullies, not misguided, not opinionated, straight up arseholes ruined it. No longer was someone’s experiences valid, unless some arsehole approved. If they didn’t approve, then you had to be shamed and ridiculed for it.
I fought it for a while, then took a break from it all. I wanted a clear space to reevaluate what it was I wanted from my online experience.
I changed.
Instead of being one of the sheep, I instead only stuck to the positive. I valued the experiences people had, and gave them credit for what they did. I decided to not be yet another negative voice online. It didn’t work.
Recently I’ve had threats of violence, death threats, been told to kill myself, all because some arsehole has decided that’s what they want, and because they want it, then it has to happen.
So I’m done. I’m retiring from social media. I’m not going to waste my time looking at Twitter, Facebook, blogging, Instagram, Reddit, or any of those things on a daily basis. I’m not going to engage with others to give myself any kind of experience. I’m done. Life is too short as it is to get drawn into the bullshit of arseholes. Even shorter if you do what they want.
So where too from here? Well there are a couple of milestones coming up in the next few years, and I may mention them in one or two places, but apart from that, stuff it, I’m out.

So much for regular blogging

You may have noticed I haven’t blogged for a couple of weeks. The truth is, I haven’t blogged for about six weeks. Everything that has been posted as been a scheduled post.


Mental illness has been winning the battle lately, and I’m only just starting to get on top if it now. So I’ll get back to being regular here (yes, I mean the double meaning) soon. In the mean time, go play outside.

End of the month clear out

I write down some of my dreams. These are some of the weirder ones.
Being knocked down a flight of stairs, by a giant red wig, as it was running to the toilet during an intermission at a show.
Pulling a rabbit out of my pants, to prove to myself that I’m dreaming, and that’s why I don’t have a third arm, that is only used to put make up on.
Being annoyed that the only swizzle stick left is a bus, and I can’t use it as I don’t have the right travel card for the system, so my drink remains unmixed.
Hiding a liger in a Volkswagen Beetle, because no one would ever look there for it.
Being embarrassed about farting, but only because I’m inside a green balloon. It would have been ok inside the yellow one, because then Albert Einstein wouldn’t have noticed, by now he knows and will make a meme about it.
Working out I can beat being stuck in peak hour traffic, if I run on all fours in the emergency lane, because that way I can easily jump over any obstacles.
I really wonder what goes on inside my head when I dream, because it’s certainly not what you would call linear.

Friday Three: Motorbikes

I ride bikes. I can’t remember a time I didn’t ride bikes. I also know many people who have lost their limbs or life on bikes.
To narrow this down to three bikes only has been a tough choice, because there are so many good points about so many different bikes. So I narrowed it down to First, Fun, and Favourite.

I would also like to point out that a bike chooses you, not you choose a bike. Sure you may want the latest and greatest sports bike, but it’s no good if you don’t fit the bike, because you’ll never enjoy the riding.

First: Kawasaki ZZr250
blog zzr

The ZZr is a great first bike. Getting a bit long in the tooth these days, and if I was to get this as a “first bike” again, I would probably go the Ninja 300.

While the ZZr250 wasn’t my first bike, it is a good bike for those learning to ride. The engine placement makes it nigh on impossible to get it up on one wheel, which adds to the stability. The riding position is great, allowing you feel part of the bike, allowing for a more enjoyable ride. Certainly not the fastest 250, due to the higher weight, but a great little bike indeed.


Speaking of little bikes:


Fun: Honda CT-110

Blog postie

The Postie Bike.

This is a fun bike to ride, and a much better option than a scooter, if you’re after a little bike. Easy to ride, ideal for on the back of a motor home, and tough as they come. If you’ve never had the chance to ride one, find one and ride it. You’ll be grinning from ear to ear.


Favourite: Honda VFR800 Gen 5

blog vfr

I’ve owned two of these bikes. The first one was a reluctant sale, damn you cancer. The second one is my current bike. Sure it’s 16 years old now, but it still turns heads. Even people who don’t own this model of the VFR wish they owned it. Even people who don’t ride a VFR but know the engineering of this bike are impressed by it. The last of the gear driven cams, this engine is bullet proof. Regardless of if you’re doing the slab cruise, or pushing it through the hills, the Viffer does it all with grace.

While I know I’ll own other bikes in my life, I also know that I will always have a Gen 5 Viffer in my garage.


Special mentions:

Sachs Madass. I’ve always wanted one of these, simply because they look fully sick.

Honda ST1300, for when I can’t get on a Viffer any more, but don’t want to be seen as a Goldwing rider.


Thursday Night Meh

I know I can’t sing.

I know I can’t play.

I don’t care.

It’s too hot and steamy to be bothered at all.

Here’s the video: Thursday Night Meh

Product of Circumstance (NSFW)

NSFW, contains swearing.

I wrote the following lyrics a few years ago. I imagined it as a piano piece, kind of ballard, kind of funky. Needless to say my inability to play the piano has lead to it never being recorded. About a year after writing it I heard another song, by a well established, but fringe, artist, and the two were basically identical in melody structure, particularly the chorus. So it sat, and sat, and I’ve never recorded it in any way. I thought it might be worthwhile sharing it here, who knows, one of you (if there are any of you) might play the piano, and could nut this one out with me.

Product of Circumstance

I’m standing on the edge of the precipice
Staring at the chasm down below.
My mind is made up of these deep regrets
But still I have to put on the show.

I know you’ve visually undressed me
So that you can stare at my breasts
I don’t care what it is you see
All there is nothing but a caricature

Fucked it up, I fucked it up again
Time for an explosion of penance
Crossed the line I crossed the line again
I’m a product of my circumstance.

It wouldn’t matter if I
Just played the same three chords
They would still love me in hordes
I’m nothing but their whore.

Endlessly devoted to promotion
The monster has eaten the idea
Swallowed whole and easily digested
In it’s place has grown alive the fear

Fucked it up, I fucked it up again
Time for an explosion of penance
Crossed the line I crossed the line again
I’m a product of my circumstance.

Is it getting harder to be innocent
Even my reflection tells me so.
I am taken in by the dirty tricks
Making me some kind of Despereaux

The stage is all I ever wanted to be
A part not a scene or a show
I long for the spotlight to become dim
Step back and watch the curtain close

Fucked it up, I fucked it up again
Time for an explosion of penance
Crossed the line I crossed the line again
I’m a product of my circumstance.

Friday Three: Flowers

Despite my Anthophobia, which seems to just concern cut flowers, I still have a liking of some flowers. Of course anosmia doesn’t help when it comes to flowers, but that’s a different matter. So here’s my Friday three.

Favourite: Kangaroo Paw


I Love the Kangaroo Paw. It’s shape, texture, and range of colours make it a beautiful flower in my book. It even makes an appearance in Star Wars: The Force Awakens, which keeps the link of American films using Australian stuff as strange, exotic, and out of this world.

Australian: Eucalyptus Flower


From Snuggle Pot and Cuddlepie, though to the beauty of the Australian bush. Seeing a eucalyptus tree in full bloom is a sight to behold.

Memorable: Sweet Pea

The Sweet Pea is the flower I have tattooed on my arm, to remind me of my friend Paige. A tall delicate flower, traditionally planted on St.Patrick’s Day, it is a fitting tribute to her. Paige was from Ireland, and certainly was a tall but delicate flower. I’m always reminded of her when I see Sweet Peas in bloom. 

Senate? I’ll never forget it!

When coming back to this blog, I decided to be less personal with it. My reasons are for another blog, which I’m still thinking about.

But I am going to get somewhat personal here. Back in late 2014 there was a Senate Inquiry into the Child Support Agency. The purpose of the report had the following terms of reference:

Terms of reference
The Committee will inquire and report on the following:
* methods used by Child Support to collect payments in arrears and
manage overpayments;
* whether the child support system is flexible enough to accommodate
the changing circumstances of families;
* the alignment of the child support and family assistance frameworks;
* linkages between Family Court decisions and Child Support’s policies
and processes; and
* how the scheme could provide better outcomes for high conflict
As part of this inquiry, the Committee has a particular interest in:
* assessing the methodology for calculating payments and the adequacy
of current compliance and enforcement powers for the management of
child support payments;
* the effectiveness of mediation and counselling arrangements as part of
family assistance frameworks; and
* ensuring that children in high conflict families are best provided for
under the child support scheme.
In carrying out this review, the Committee should assess whether any problems
experienced by payers or payees of child support impact on the majority of
parents and other carers involved in the system, or a minority, and make
recommendations accordingly (e.g. there may be a case for specialised processes
and supports for some parents meeting certain criteria).

The committee held public talks in various locations, but due to being in WA, I had to do a phone call instead. The conditions of the phone call were:

Under 4 minutes.
No references to personal situation. I could only talk “in general”
No names could be used, so that no one could be identified.
I couldn’t be rude, and I had to be restrained.

All understandable things. The following is what I said to them. It is an edited version of what I wanted to say, but it was what I was allowed to say under the terms.

Thank you for the opportunity to speak to this Inquiry today.

I wish to speak today from the point of view of paying parents, particularly those, who do not have contact with their children.

In some cases there are parents who chose to not have an active involvement with their children, a disappointing situation indeed. For others there are reasons of safety for the children, as the reason they don’t have contact, and the safety of children should be paramount.

For a small number, one parent uses the children to cause damage, by denying the other parent any contact. It is this situation in particular I would like to discuss. For this situation, the Child Support system is flawed.

When parents have no contact with their children, the rate of payments is adjusted, so that the children receive additional finances. While this is understandable in the first two circumstances, for those parents that are denied access to their children, this is a kick in the teeth. It could be said in this situation that the CSA is, in a way, “rewarding” the custodial parent for being manipulative and dishonest. As a simplistic example, it is akin to fining drivers who drive at the limit, and giving the revenue to speeding drivers, as an incentive to not speed.

While this situation is in the minority, the CSA is not suited for this scenario, and the “one size fits all” model simply doesn’t work. CSA representatives say to go and get a court order, yet many of the paying parents have got multiple court orders in their favour, but for one reason or another, the receiving parent ignores the court orders.

One must seriously question the mental state of anyone who uses children to cause harm, and the harm they are also doing to the children, by denying fair and reasonable access to the other parent. It is disturbing that there are people out there who believe that money is more important than human rights.

It truly is baffling that the CSA is only interested in the money, and not the rights of children, and all parents involved with the CSA. In my view, “child support” involves much more than just a financial contribution. If we truly are concerned for the welfare of children, then that must include all welfare. Money alone does not solve problems.

While the CSA simply says that this is an issue for the courts. There is a significant financial and emotional burden in doing so. This does nothing but add to the pain and suffering of the paying parent, and causes additional stress for the children.

In this situation, the CSA on one hand washes their hands of any responsibilities, while on the other hand demand increased payments. I really don’t know how I could more simply put that the system is flawed than that.

To counter this, I propose the following changes, to make the system fairer for all, and one that can’t be used as hateful manipulation by parents who receive payments.

1. Where access to children is denied, payments are held by the CSA until the receiving parent abides by court orders and access rights.

2. In situations where access is routinely denied, payments should only be that of for which there is 50/50 custody, until such time as access is reinstated.

3. The CSA should appoint a CSA case manager to deal with these cases. They make up a small percentage of all payments, but do require special attention. The case manager’s dealing with both parent should be transparent to all parties, so that only facts are dealt with.

Finally, as a broad point. Paying parents of all kinds hand over large sums of money each pay, yet have no idea if that money is actually being spent on the children’s needs. Therefore I propose the following:

The receiving parent is require to prove that 2/3rds of all payments are spent on the children. This would be easily covered by things like school fees, clothing, after school activities, food, etc.

By knowing that the money is actually being spent on the children, it allows the children a better opportunity to make the best of their life.

I thank you for allowing me this time today.

I was happy to have had my chance to at least have a say. I was surprised when the committee informed me they didn’t know there were people in this situation. I was in shock, given 3% of people who pay are in this situation. Surely I couldn’t have been the first person to speak about this, given I was one of the last people to get a chance to speak to the committee.

We then waited for the report.
And waited.

It turns out the first draft of the report was rejected, hence the delay. According to that report, the CSA wanted even more powers, and to make it even harder for paying parents. Thankfully the committee rejected that report as being at odds with the information they had received during the inquiry. This was promising indeed. Maybe this was the time that the CSA was finally going to be held accountable for their actions.

We then waited for the new report.
And waited.

Finally the report got released. There were 25 changes to the system proposed by the committee. Most of them are rather pointless but kind of needed. They basically say make sure the structure around the system is funded correctly, and make the system work better in initial stages, so things don’t get out of hand. This means a lot more training for the CSA minions.

Point five had a couple of interesting things, 1. A review of the use of gross pay to calculate the payments. 2. Looking at ways to manage the payments when there is proof the money isn’t being spent on the child(ren).
I tentatively agree with both of these points. I can see the first point being ignored. While the system in this regard is broken, there is no interest in changing it. Point 2, there is already enough lying done to the CSA, and even when you prove it, they have no interest in taking action against the money grabbing parent. I don’t have any faith that this would change, even in the rules were changed.

Point 6, an investigation into the lodgement of tax returns. Paying parents already have to do their tax return, or get fined. Money grabbing parents don’t have to, which is a license to lie. If they don’t have to actually declare their income, it affects the amounts paid by each parent towards the care of the child(ren). Or another way to put it, if they delare an amount lower than the self support amount, they then don’t pay a cent towards raising their child(ren), but at the same time get to claim more money.

Point 9, actually enforce contact/parenting orders. This is a good thing and relates to the submission I made. Currently if a parent ignores court orders, they then get to claim extra child support. It leads to the system being abused by vindictive parents. Sorting this out will be better for the child(ren).

Point 13, an ongoing audit to ensure there is consistency in the information stated by CSA minions. I’ve dealt with them for over a decade now, and I still have no idea what is going on with them. Even when you call them out on misinformation, for some reason it all vanishes, or the call ends, and there is no reference. Making the minions more accountable is a good thing.

Point 15, more face to face contact. Sure it via video conferencing, but at least it is back to face to face. I find this way they are more accountable for their actions, and it helps to keep the minions in check. It’s not perfect, but it’s better than the current system.

Point 16, reduce the complexity, and stop so many mail outs, to the point where it gets confusing as to what paperwork you are meant to be using. There have been days where I get three letters at the same time, all of them contradict each other, and none of them is clear as to what the ruling is.

Point 21, limiting the powers of the CSA to issue Departure Prohibition Orders. This is a good thing. When I was in the early stages of being ruined by the CSA, I was doing some overseas work. They put a stop to that. I also haven’t had a passport because of them. It’s not because I want to go overseas, but they did, and still do, limit my work options by restricting overseas travel. Given the world is shrinking, overseas travel is used more and more for work, so this is a good idea.

Point 22, more flexibility in debt repayment. A good thing indeed, particular when the debt has been created by the CSA, which is a frequent thing, given their mismanagement of payments.

While I have only glossed over some of the points here, in general I am happy with the report. It does look like the committee wants to make changes that will actually make a difference. Now all we need is for the minister to rubber stamp the report. Except the minister for human services changed at the last reshuffle.

So now we wait for the rubber stamp.
And wait.

So much for this all being a priority. If only someone would think about the children. But of course, the CSA isn’t interested in these changes, after all, why would they want to be held to account for what they do?

Oh, and the bit that was edited out of my statement to the committee?

The CSA has blood on their hands. Their actions towards paying parents, their harassment, their bullying, their lies, their intimidation, it has cost lives. Too many people have seen no other option but to end their own life because of the CSA, and the sooner they are held accountable for what they do, the better.

Friday Three: Beatles

No, not my three favourite Beatles, but rather three of their tracks which have, well, they’re Beatles songs, you can’t put it down to one adjective.

I’m also going to include a few honourable mentions. Kind of goes against the three theme, but I’m not sorry, they’re Beatles songs. I’m also not going to provide links to the songs. They are all fairly easy to get, and finding them is part of the fun, as you find other great tracks by them.

1. Come Together.

The track that starts off their last studio album (Let It Be was released later), is melody at its finest. I get transported into a different zone listening to that bass line, and the drum rolls. When John’s vocal kicks in, with it’s “Shoot me”, you’re off on the start of a great journey.

The Abbey Road album from which this track comes is my favourite. To have put out an album like this, with all that was going on in the Beatles world at the time is pure genius. Even to this day the B side of this album is still one of the greatest album sides to drum along to, and challenging too. I still tap out the drum solo any chance I get, drum kit or not.

2. Baby You’re A Rich Man.

One of the lesser known Beatles tracks, that kind of got lost in all the great music they put out. It was the B side to All You Need Is Love. A powerful vocal, a bass line that had the needle jumping off the record, anda great track that shows the different writing styles between John and Paul, that still work together for a great song. John had the verses, Paul had the chorus, and together they just worked.
3. Tomorrow Never Knows.

I always liked this track, that was until someone played me the Phil Collins version, claiming it to be one of the best covers ever. They obviously had no knowledge of music. It was then I listened to the trackside by side and I realised just how much more intricate the Beatles version was, and just how great this song is. Utter chaos that is also a feather floating in the breeze.

The Phil Collins version reminded me of one simple fact. It doesn’t matter how good the technology of the day is, you just can’t beat raw talent.
Honourable Mentions:

Helter Skelter: Hard rock at it’s finest. Turn it up to 11.

In My Life: I used this as a wedding song. Such a waste of such a beautiful song.

Taxman: When George’s song writing really took a big leap forward.

Rain: Many people make fun of Ringo’s drumming as simple. But here’s a test for you, play just the drums from any song by anyone, and see how many of them you can pick from the drumming alone. Rain is a perfect example of drumming perfection.

Any Beatles Song: Seriously. You may think some of the lyrics are cheesy at times, but their brilliance as musicians, the technological advances they made in studio recording, the volume of their work despite all that is Beatlemania, just shows how good they were as a band.

Image by hal-2012 of DeviantArt fame. Used without permission.

The Big C

Back in 2007, I found out I had cancer.

I can’t remember the exact date. I can remember all the kitsch on the desk of the Doctor. I can remember the woman who took my bone marrow biopsy asked me to call her Granny, because everyone did, and she was great. I can remember my lunch on that day being a fillet-o-fish, with a side salad. I can remember the bone marrow biopsy going a little bit wrong, because my bone density was too high, so they had to go in a second time. I remember there was an unseasonable spit of rain. I remember asking if I was going to lose my hair. I remember most of all hearing that I had cancer, and it was aggressive, and treatment would have to start as soon as possible.


First week out of hospital

All in all it was a bit of a haze, but once those words were said, you have cancer, then I sort of blanked out a bit after that. It was like every thought was going through my head at the same time, and at such a fast rate, all that I heard was a buzz.

I was put onto experimental treatment involving arsenic, as well as the usual chemo. 95% of people who got the leukaemia that I had die. On my side was that most of the people who got it were well into their 60’s and beyond, and I was 32, and pretty fit. I had a good chance of fighting it if they hit it hard.

Fighting it certainly was a new experience for me. I had had to fight for things in my life before, but not like this. This wasn’t a battle I had a say in, I was simply the battlefield in which the war was being waged, and each side had their tricks. Long story short, after six months of in hospital treatment, I was released to start the next stage of my treatment. But like the season before my eyes, I was changed.

It was at this point a new battle started to take place, survivor guilt.

When I first found out I had cancer, the question “why me?” rang through my ears. I looked after myself, never drank, never smoked, never did drugs, yet I was the one who copped the Big C. It wasn’t so much about “it isn’t fair”, because life isn’t fair. It was about the odds of it happening, and I had done all the right things to make sure it didn’t happen, and it didn’t work.

When I walked out of the hospital after missing autumn and winter of that year, there was still the “why me?” question, but this time the question was why did I survive, when others don’t?

Survivor’s guilt is a weird thing, it really messes with your head. Every time you hear of someone being diagnosed. Every time you hear of someone losing their battle, you wonder why you made it through. Every time you see someone getting a sausage sizzle, or raffle in their name to help them with their battle, you wonder why others didn’t do the same for you, and so why should you donate to help them. After all, it’s all all a lot easier these days. The medications are better, there’s been a lot more research, and making a donation to help someone is just a mouse click away. You’ve already done your bit to beat this, why would you want to relive it all again?

Then you look at it from the perspective of those who didn’t beat it. In a way, they were the lucky ones. They didn’t have to try and rebuild their life after it. They didn’t have to go through more and more years of testing. The didn’t have to worry that every time they got a cold, that this could be the day remission ends and you’re back to fighting that battle. Would you fight it? Could you really be stuffed going through it all again? I’ve thought about it, and I really don’t think I could be bothered with it. It’s not a want to die, it’s a realisation that life has been pretty shit since it happened, and there really isn’t a point to going through it all again. That’s survivor’s guilt.

I really don’t think people understand it, and I really don’t think I’ve put it in the right words, or done it justice in trying to explain it here. It’s a form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I can’t watch a bone marrow biopsy being done on televisions shows. I cringe when I see someone wearing a bandanna to cover up their loss of hair. I wonder every time that I get sick if this is it. I wonder what the point is in looking after myself at all, because it will most likely come back at some point, so what’s the use? I kick myself for having these thoughts at all, because I’ll just be viewed as a Negative Nelly, who should be enjoying the fact I got a second chance at life. This is a no win situation, because I can’t celebrate beating cancer, because I didn’t beat it, I simply managed to slip away from it when it grabbed me by the short and curlies. Like the tattoo on my back of the leukaemia cell represents, it is behind me, but it will always be a part of me. It’s a guilt from which I can’t escape. The latest research on leukaemia is that if it is below 1 part in a million, then the body can manage it. Above that, it’s treatment or you’re stuffed.